[ The Memories ]
Sunday, July 31, 2005
cry
im scared.
i want to cry.
but theres no one to turn to. not at this time. not at this hour.
i should just sleep.
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 11:49 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
running
Take me away
Take me far away from here
I will run with you
Don't be afraid
Navigate and I will steer into the sun
We will Run
Amazing how after more than a year these lyrics still mean so much to me.
im ok. im ok. im ok. maybe if i say this often enough everything will right itself and my troubles and incessant worries and never-ending workload will disappear. it'll disapppear! it'll disappear. it'll disappear.....
if i can hardly cope now. what will happen to me at the end of the year?
take me away. let me rest so that i will have strength. keep me busy enough so that i will not think. so that i will not worry. give me sleep so that my small traces of eyebags will go away.
sometimes i wish i can go on. and sleep forever. so true.
sometimes i wish that if i ran away from it all, my mind will be cleared, my heart will be freed and my soul will be calmed.
i want to feel peace. not anxiety. not worry. not desperation. not uselessness.
take me away.
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 1:04 AM
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
sick
i am sick of this. i am sick of pple asking me how i am so far and when i start opening up to them they dont listen. its disgusting. they just leave halfway or get distracted halfway or just fiddle with other stuff and dont listen. then dont PROBE in the first place! dont even bother asking! disgusting. this is it. i promise never ever to even bother telling pple how i feel cos theres NO POINT. they dont give a shit whether i live or die. they are just asking to SEEM polite. and it annoys me because i become vulnerable when i open up to pple and when i get into thinking phase i really have to let it out of my system. SO SHIT YOU ALL. im never ever going to try to tell any of u anything anymore. NEVER. im just going to plaster on a fake smile (or better still i wont bother at all) and then i'll say. yeah im fine.
sigh. st nicks pple are still the best listeners and comforters. i miss having bonding sessions with them. even up till now karmun can make me feel all better online. they actually care. or at least they try to. haha. they listen to u all the way. listen to the full story. let u whine and moan and complain to ur hearts content. then they comfort u and give their honest comments. and u noe what? they can listen to u every week and never get sick of hearing ur woes. they never stop caring. they never stop comforting to rush off to talk nonsense with someone else or get distracted. we're like on the same wavelength. its a bond ya know? sigh. im not saying tt everyone in rj is an annoying hypocrite who doesnt give a shit abt anyone but himself. im just saying tt many of them dont really care abt ur problems at all so i shld just save my effort frm now on and just say im ok even though im not. cos u noe wat? its not worth the trouble and its not worth the effort to explain how u feel. everyone wants to be ur friend when ure happy but no one wants to know you when ure sad. so come on. plaster on tt smile and face the world. tomolo is going to be another terribly long and maybe even stressful day. -BIG GRIN-
actually to tell u the truth ive been trying to hide how stressed or busy or tired ive been feeling lately. because i dont want pple to worry abt me. i mean not tt many will but there are a few pple who notice when i look stressed and tired and they'll start worrying abt me and i dont want to be a burden.
thank you hon loong and mei xian and kat and kar mun for listening(at different times of the week.heh). thank you junli for caring.u sensed how upset and stressed i was even though i refused to tell u anything cos i didnt wanna burden you further. I really appreciate the chocolates and the card :) they made my day. thank you all for helping me get through a disgustingly busy and stressed week. uve been angels and this week has been much MUCH better. thank you!
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 9:57 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
i wish there was smthing i cld do
man i shld be doing my lit essay. especially since ive got to prepare to go out in 1.5 hrs time. and to quote miss lye " im not being too unreasonable to ask for it by monday right? i mean after all... it was due LAST term.." yes miss lye ure right and im sorry. i WILL DO IT BY TODAY! before i go out cos ill be back super late! i like my lit teachers so i shall do their homework... at least try very hard to. :D
anyway i found out abt a friend who is from a... dare i say it? a... somewhat dysfunctional family. and its so sad because well. i am an ignorant, parochial fool and i have never met anyone from a remotely dysfunctional family before. i mean. the only people i know from dysfunctional families are hooper and kingshaw from I'm the King of The castle. and probably a few other books ive read. but this is different dont you see. its REAL. it involves a friend. and i guess im getting so upset abt it becos i know theres nothing i can do to help. or at least i dont know what to do. especially since im supposed to be the apparently ditzy person i am and not know abt it. and it makes me think how fortunate i am to have my parents. yes they may be so excruciatingly over-protective at times but at least it shows they care. it just seems so unfair that i get care and love from my family but someone else doesnt...
sigh. this isnt like junli's case where u can help by doing little things like forcing her to let me buy hon loong's birthday present since she has exco meeting from 430pm until goodness knows when. tt girl is really nuts sometimes. she overworks herself like mad. she cares abt everyone BUT herself honestly. i mean if shes going to buy the cake and present after her meeting and finish up the details of the present, then she will get home at an unearthly hour or lose too much sleep or.. or something. so for those wondering why i even bother volunteering to buy the present even though i hate shopping and honestly suck at shopping, its because if i dont volunteer or if no one volunteers, then shell have to do it. in fact she wants to do it. shes WILLING to do it. but shes already got sooooo much on her plate. wldnt you try anything to lessen her burden by just a bit? after all its just giving up a bit of time and effort to help. wldnt anyone do the same?
ok actually ive come to realise that maybe not anyone wld do the same because they wld rather go home and sleep or rest or mug or smthing... or maybe they just cant be bothered. and i dont know why im always bothered by these things really... like tt time when i went back to st nicks to collect o level cert and i met my jnrs and they looked so upset becos they were thinking abt how their farewell (which was going to take place on that day itself) was going to suck. and i was just so upset because they were upset. so i set out to buy cake and presents for them even though i was supposed to be mugging for CTs since it was only 1 week to school reopen. on one hand i was dashing abt buying the cake and all and on the other hand my mom was screaming at me over the phone telling me how i love creating trouble for myself, how im wasting my time, how shes never letting me go back to stnicks again, how i shld be studying, how i was out of LD and i shldnt care abt wat happens to my juniors. well i cant help caring ok? and the geek and phoebe followed me arnd to buy stuff even though they planned to mug too. i still rmb the geek telling off the sec 1s to get their own flowers nxt time cos i agreed to buy flowers for them to give yan han but i cldnt figure out how much they wanted to spend. and the geek and phoebe tagged along with me but they just cldnt figure out why i gave a damn abt how the sec 4s were feeling so sad. why i bothered to do so much and busy myself with all these. i cant really figure it out myself honestly. i just wanted them to be happy. is that too much to ask? i wanted them to have a nice sweet farewell that they will never forget... i dont really know how they felt abt the farewell but i know i got screwed upside down by my mom for wasting a whole day there. and i know pple still owe me money *HINT HINT pay up darlings!!*
maybe this is all just a phase and soon all that fog in my mind will clear up and i will hit a sudden epiphany as i walk under a tree. maybe one day ill find out why pple think im wasting my time in doing these things. maybe one day pple will understand fully why i do these things. maybe I will fully undersatnd why i do these things. its not for like fame and glory or anything. if it was i wld be dying for full credit. but im not. and i dont want to claim credit. i just... i dont know.dont like my friends to be sad or stressed i guess. i just want to do wat i can.
or maybe claire is right. i think too much. wait i DO think too much. i just hope i can have a super ray gun to shoot out care to that friend of mine. or maybe tt person doesnt mind the family but im thinking that the person may mind. im a mess arent i?i think i'll do my lit essay and ponder abt it later..hmmm.. maybe i shall go buy chocs for that friend.oh wait ive been meaning to buy chocs for all who helped me get through CTs. i mean seriously. im so grateful. i know how annoying i can get when i panick for paper after paper.
i wish there was somthing i could do...
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 1:32 PM
Monday, July 04, 2005
girl talk
hey twit! how was the uni visit? damn cool! my cousin's gone over to australia too! he's now at trinity... hopefully i'll be able to go overseas to study soon... heh. with a scholarship tt is. but ah well seeing how CTs went (yes i absolutely agree with u geek) tt doesnt seem too possible..
after chatting to the geek for HOURS last night. it suddenly struck me. how much i miss girl talk. with the sexy 6 tt is :) how we used to talk abt everything under the sun! absolutely anything. our conversation would definately be punctured with loads of songs (usually oldies provided by karmun) where everyone will try to either sing or hum along or i dont know....just indulge in listening and tapping to the beat... everything was just so natural. how one song flowed to the next, one topic switched to another. i remember being able to sit at the canteen table with ice tea and ice milo around after lunch and chatting for hours on end abt hwee hwee's latest crush (usually an anime character. rmb tt guy on 4truth door she fell in love with?haha) or abt how talia never had a normal bra so we all started discussing good bras to have (usually strapless since unbound was coming and we had to change into all kinds of costumes back stage) and claire was giving us advice on pretty bras. haha. after that we ALL went bra shopping at j8!just sooo many things! oh yes and bitching abt heng. and other teachers. and complaining abt all sorts of funny things... and admitting all our secret fears etc. there was just nothing to be afraid of. nothing to hold back. nothing too disgusting we cldnt discuss. no gossip too big we cldnt share. havent had much of those in jc really. in fact i havent had any!
chats with the geek have been good for my soul. haha. its good to be able to tell someone exactly how i feel once in a while. how i can reveal my gullibility in full force without someone calling me a bimbo and making fun of me... oh wait. she DOES make fun of me. haha. i just dont feel stupid after she does it. and i wont have to worry tt she thinks tt im acting cute or smthing becos well. she knows im THAT gullible and stupid really so theres nothing to hide. and i can tell her abt all my oversensitive and stupid times which i try desperately to hide in school most of the time. heh.
then theres pheebs whos been ever so comforting every time im down or troubled or freaking for my CTs. i mean she bothers to be(or at least seem) genuinely concerned and worried for me EVERY SINGLE TIME i look for her! the geek too! like how often can u find a friend who actually still shows concern for you after more than one year of freaking over all kinds of tests possible?haha.and her hugs are ever so comforting. and both of them know exactly how to calm me down when i freak for a test!so im really grateful for them. and i am truely blessed to be able to have two such great friends.
that day when i was so upset over chem test and i trying so hard to hide it, i happened to spot teri. so i stopped her and asked for a hug. and her immediate reaction was "aww..sure dear" and held her arms wide open. and her hug was really comforting. and i guess tts just how st nicks pple are. i mean they dont just hug. u can actually feel genuine care and concern in their hugs... its... unexplainable really. its a warmth u feel! i remember how in stnicks everyone kept wanting to give me a hug as long as they spotted a tinge of unhappiness or insecure-ness in me. and i remember always rejecting them cos they were so gay. haha. but most of them always just hugged me anyway. or went "fine lah reject my offer!" which wld always make me laugh. now i have to HUNT for hugs. like go arnd school looking for correct pple to ask for hugs. no one ever knows when im feeling upset or insecure anymore. no one ever senses anything amiss.
and kat! i havent talked to her for so long! miss that girl.i can only tok to her face to face. i cant sms or talk to her online.. haha. she always seems to message me when im feeling terribly worried! like during CTs! her message came at exactly the right time!sigh and meixian too. these are the two pple i can always count on when im down. even if i havent contacted them for ages, whenever im down and need help, these two will always be there to support me!
so in tt way i really miss st nicks. i miss the warmth and the pple. how even now i can go back to school and feel at home though i dont know anyone there. when i go back to rj and dont know anyone, i'll feel a bit insecure and weird. a bit lost.(ok maybe i am lost cos the school is so friggin big and i always forget where the venues are.) but well i guess it just takes time. i mean after 10 yrs in one school i beeter feel at home. at least now tt ive bonded more with my council mates i feel much better. we studied for CTs together!haha.and fretted for junli together. and there are pple like victor who actually bother to listen to me complain and talk nonsense and max who was subtly supporting me when she saw me freaking out before common test. shes a really nice presence to have around. yes i thank God for putting me in council. its like... an escape i guess. an escape to be happy. to busy myself so i wont think too much. an escape to find pple to tok to.
which reminds me i still havent made time to call isabella. its been too long. i miss talking to her :) like update her abt my life and hear updates on hers! and ive promised her tt id call her since ages ago... gosh im terrible. soon i hope!oh yes and sweeling! havent talked to her for so long.. i used to be qt close to her! she helped me so much during council elections la! i wonder how she is now...
so stnicks mates and og/ex og mates and council mates. i thank the Lord for all of you. maybe im just feeling exceptionally appreciative today but well all of you mean a lot to me. Thank you!
We ain't never seen ya down like this
What you mean, you don't need us to help
We known each other too well
I'm your girl, you're my girl, we your girls
And don't you know we love ya
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 10:18 PM
Friday, July 01, 2005
much influence from war of the worlds, where the aliens needed blood to survive so they started incinerating everything. btw, batman is a lot better than war of the worlds. batman actually has a plot, quite amazing really, whereas the other one leaves gaping holes that you could stick half yourself through. so i urge everyone, pls go watch batman begins! it's not like one of those crappy old batman movies where everything dun make much sense. this one has a good plot, and u have no idea how hard it is to find a story with a respectable plot anymore.
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 11:05 PM
midyrs
either i've grown stupid or life's grown hard. actually, i think it's combination of both. maybe i swallowed a hammer when i was younger. mid yrs was rubbish, first-class all the way. but i think it could actually be the economy class because the mid yrs doesn't come with a safty parachute, they kinda dump you in midair, you're frozen that this could actually take place, and then you drop. like a stone. flying downwards through midair with a terrifying certainty you're gonna go splat on someone's house and slide down their walls with a wet slurping sound and glassy eyes wide open as trails of blood lubricate your body's way to meet the earth. you scare the birds as you paddle your arms furiously in the air, desperately trying to 'swim', and you gasp and choke as you pass through wet damp clouds, fighting your way out of it. buildings and fields are no longer a mass of green and brown, distinct shapes are coming into focus. you look down and think 'oh shit. i'm screwed.' and that, is a short summary of how midyrs went. lovely. absolutely lovely.
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 10:41 PM
