[ The Memories ]
Saturday, August 28, 2004
monsters and giants
the periodic swing of a person's mind between truth and fantasy, reality and fiction, creating something out of nothing out of myths, fables, legends and run-of-the-mill jokes. Oscillitating between a piecework and fabric of bits and pieces to form the skeleton, flesh, shell. is that really all they are? when 1 loses track in the lush, pristine verdant wilderness, how then does the compass come about? direction and magnitude of the sun's rays? the brighter, the bigger the angle?hmm..
the farewell.. too long to elaborate but ld has truly been one of the best things in my life. xinling covered most of it. to sec 1's: make the most of what u have and u have alot of everything, including years ahead and talent. why do all of u tell me i'm fierce..really, i believe that u can be better than what i think u can do.(dun roll ur eyes baby, i dun hate them) to sec 2's: i've worked with some of u in unbound and the pleasure has been all mine. some of u will be future leaders of ld...no stress. in memory; sonia-chocolates. vivian and (gang)-ball and hollow lollipops. stage crew-trying again. cast-too long. sec 3's: way too long. but i have faith in the capability in each and every 1 of u, from shrewish to sweet, from weird to wild. sec 4's:wow.
the thought fox.
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 12:08 AM
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
prelims
as of this very moment, there is only 1 week and 5 days left to prelims, to be specific a math and english paper 1. i dunno wat to do... im not pushing myself hard enough and im starting to fail again... can anyone imagine my fear and desperation? everyday i slack or study for the test on the next day. and u noe wat? i still fail. whether i study or not, my marks dont change. in fact they're dropping more than i can ever imagine and it is only until mrs soh screamed at us today that we only had 6 school days to buck up did i suddenly snap out of my dream and into reality.
i dont want to ruin my whole future. i dont want to end up somewhere i wont like or wont fit in. i dont want to end up with some pathetic low paying job in the future that will make pple look down on me. i dont want my parents to complain. i dont want to hear anyone go "wat?? 26 points arh? where can u go?" it doesnt help tt im sitting amongst freaks of nature. at the end of the year each subject will pass down the report slip of the class with all our marks and overall grades for the subject. every subject i see the same thing.
Physics
Index number1: A1
Index number 2: A1
Index number 3: A1
Index number 4: A1
Index number 5: A1
Index number 6: B3
Index number 7: A1
(repeat for every subject. the only vary in grade is for number 6. it varies between A2[only for like 2 subjects] to a B4. 1 C5)
no surprises as to who's number 6. and pple tell me tt its just the front few... the other pple at the back have more normal marks..well guess how i feel being the sore thumb sticking out among the A1s. those pple are soooo smart and they work soooo hard. i wish i were like them... wish i could be called a freak of nature with abnormally high results.i admire them.. they deserve their grades really so i shldnt complain. i have to work hard but how??? there isnt enough time. there isnt enough determination. im not mentally strong enough to be able to take it when i go through one chap of 10 yr series and get everything wrong. especially with so little time left. i wish i had retained. wish i didnt have to go through this all. i dont wish to be like my sister and be the top o level pupil in her school. i just want to do well enough to get into a decent jc and slog my butt off for a levels so i can get into university.im so emotionally drained.im desperate, helpless, i dont know wat to do..
lord please grant me strength.
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 12:04 AM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 12:56 AM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
replies
7 tests in three days!!whahaha... and i didnt even complain. it shows tt anything is possible, including studying for seven subjects in 3 days!!lalala...it actually didnt feel like that many tests actually...hahas. i guess u just get used to it after a while. ok. now to reply my fellow faithful tag-boarders:
karmun and talia: hahas. im so honoured to make u two cry!! again! hahas. well i cant help it u see.. we're all sentimental pple. :p
cristal: SHEEP!! i still have to tell u tt i love the sheep u gave me!!i love it soooo much!! and that sheep notepad, and the badge, thank you!! its my favourite farewell present!! thank you!! oh and i made u cry again too!!! whaahhaa.... im sooo good im telling u, i made so many pple cry during farewell...im good....
sonia: i love ur chocolates!! even though they are so fattening. tsk tsk... if i die of obesity or get angina or stroke or heart attack from the clogging up of my arteries, its ur fault!! hahahs. thanks anyway. :p
.not.just.13.: who art thou?? i have 15 sec 1 jrs my dear... how am i supposed to noe which is you? hahahs.no lah... i actually dun think uve been rude to me because there was only one sec 1 jr who had been rude to me personally. the rest are just recounts from ur other seniors so yah... dont worry! its not that easy to get me upset or insulted abt stuff... ask genevieve.. hahas. (ok tts a private joke)
ryana seacrest:yes i remember you!!hahas. thank for the sec 1 item!
nurse: SIM XIANGLI!!are u hoping for an early death?? up to now u still cant spell my name?? its XIN LING not xingling. sheesh.im going to dig out ur eyeballs. hahas but yes i will always remember u as my sexy bimbotic nurse with the funny expression when she runs in... and yes the applause and cheers... sigh.. makes all the rehearsals worthwhile doesnt it...:D to see all those pple laughing...makes u sooo happy to be the cause of it all...
rite... did anyone notice my lousy grammer in the previous entry?i kept making mistakes... oh wells. im not changing it cos the date will change and i want to remember that date for a long time...and i will try to come back!unless of course the thought of the horse causes me to dash to the nearest toilet bowl... but next year is SYF!and i will help them get a gold!even if the horse calls me cocky!shes a terrible tattle-tale so its up to us seniors who are used to her tattling to protect our darling juniors!!i remember how the geek and karmun confided in her and she went and tattled to ms jeya who gave everyone a great scolding..and how she was so hypocritical and two faced to our dearest fire pple who got SECOND.SECOND!!wohoo...considering the preparation time, its great!so is such an annoying fly i tell u.
oh!! and i still wish i had taken more photos with our juniors!! including the sec 1s!! yesyes dun roll ur eyes genevieve this will be the last time... work hard for syf everybody!!please dun cry the way we did last year. i can still vividly recall the scene.. how our seniors cried, crashed into the toilet, collapsed on the floor and wailed... how some locked themselves in the cubicles... how our eye makeup smudged. it was the day of the scene-ful indulgence show. i'll never forget that. and i hope it never happens again. we can do it LD. we noe we can. its up to us to make it a reality. lets make history with great results again!!!!
oh and of course, happy bdae spore!! we are singapore, SINGAPOOOREEEEEANS!!!!!
princess golden gem
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 3:19 PM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
farewell
Four years.Four whole years of training, performing, rehearsing, gossiping, playing, bonding. sometimes u never really appreciate things until they are torn away from you. well ive always appreciated ld. at least for most part of my 4 years. i remember how we were at the water cooler at the beginning of sec 2 and we said tt we came to school for LD. tt if the school burn down we would cry becos LD would not be there for us anymore. how i came to school for LD no matter how sick i was. im abt to be long and draggy and talk about our farewell.
we went the drama studio. the last time we would enter as an LD member for an LD session. i have to admit i didnt feel anything at first. hahas. i actually felt like sitting down and asked talia if she would sit with me. i remember how she told me the feeling wasnt rite. i remember how i walked down the aisle feeling really embarrassed in my sucky dress... how i was telling talia wat the horse said during recess that day. how i started tearing when i recounted wat she said... "the sec 4 excos have not done enough to make the sec 1s feel welcomed. u all didnt plan anything for them to bond with the others.and its not that i have no evidence of this. i have.(not said in exact order)" how claire and i said it was due to us being in different productions. she said tt wasnt a valid reason. how i told her specific incidents abt the sec 1s being rude at pple frm all the diff levels causing the segregation. how that horse defended them by saying they're only 13. how i felt so upset and hated her for telling us we sucked on our farewell day. how could she?
after the sec 1 item, we had the presentation of souveniors. i remember frantically looking around the drama studio for mrs tian. if mrs tian was not there, at least ms jeya!! i remember how talia and i were silently praying, hoping for them to walk through the door. how we hoped that our juniors wanted to surprise us. they never came. i made talia tear when i kept saying tt mrs tian wasnt here and how i would not let the horse put the crown on my head. i remember claire and karmun agreeing and how we prayed tt the horse wasnt the one presenting it to us.i watched how they defied that horse by removing the crown from their head evertime the horse put it on. i remember how claire, unsmiling and all, walked up stage, removed the crown immediately and said i dont need a picture. how when it was my turn i wore a broad fake smile, afraid of dissapointing my juniors.i remember turning to claire and saying "watch my fake smile" before striding upstage. i remember how truely upset i was when the horse put the crown on my head. to me, her placing it on my head made her like a queen, which she was not. i remember thinking how i would rather let mrs gurung place that crown on my head. how i would be so much happier if it was my junior or talia or any of my friends crowning me. the crown seemed like all my experience, hopes, joys and tears in LD and the horse was never part of any of them. how could she be the one who put the crown on my head. how? i remember the pained smile i gave to the camera. how i could no longer act happy after taking the picture.tt was one role which i found so difficult to play. i took of my crown immediately and walked off. upon reaching my seat i turned to issy and mouthed where's mrs tian?i was distraught. i sat down and started tearing.i remember christine telling me its alright. how talia came back and teared too.
leilei was the first to give me a gift. there was a picture of both of us with me looking terrible in the picture, layered with makeup. i was so touched. i wish i had told her more, gave her a longer hug. i remember when we had to move to the new ava, how joanne didnt let me walk out. it was the last time we would be in the drama studio as ld girls. how after 4 years of ld in the drama studio, we cldnt walk away from it all. how she told me tt she didnt want to miss me and my irritating voice. i wished we had the farewell in the drama studio the whole time. i remember walking with claire the new ava, how we started tearing when we realised how true wat jo said was. how could we just walk away from it like it didnt matter when it did, so very much. our four years of memories were centered arnd our dearest drama studio and we were just leaving them behind, walking away from it all. but i knew i cldnt go back. tt would make me an alumni stepping in for the first time. we had to learn to let go.
New AVA. the sharing.i really didnt want to make the sec 1s feel bad.it just had to be done. i remember being irritated when a certain individual talked cos tt was not wat we meant. she never came for comm meetings in her whole sec 4 life so she obviously didnt noe wat we were banking on. but she was acting smart. fine. i remember cassandra. how she should have been with us that very day, crying and reminiscing. i remembered her wake, how her photograph in front of the coffin was so beautiful, how she looked so happy and pretty.how i didnt dare to look into the coffin after i heard wat others saw. how i was so glad i did in the end.how i thought it was so unfair tt she should be taken away at such a young age.
i remember how i regretted not being fast enough to give the presents to everyone, how i cldnt take enough photos.
of course, i remember mrs tian and ms jeya. how they were always there supporting and guiding. how mrs tian was the only one who believed in us during syf, how she always says tt no one is indispensible, how she spent the whole recess screaming at me for speaking too fast during a fire rehearsal, how she knew us so well unlike the horse who said we were cocky. hello? she was the only one who thought so. no one else in fire thought we were demoralising them. i remember how ms jeya talked to claire and i, telling us how she was so disappointed when she heard about it, how we must talk to the horse to make things clear becos she noes tt we are not like tt and she didnt want the horse to have a bad impression of us. i was so touched. i apologised becos of her. i remember how ms jeya would slap me on the back so hard that i started choking and tell me that i can do it. how mrs tian said tt on grad night i would go to her and say that we did it. but we didnt. the horse thinks we suck. we've failed. i remember how the horse was nowhere to be seen during farewell, how mrs gurung kept talking on her phone. how i turned around and told my friends "look at our teachers. just look at them."i remember talia starting to cry so hard and how karmun and claire's dissapointed and even exasperated expressions. i recalled last year's farewell. in fact all the farewells i had participated in. mrs tian and ms jeya were always there smiling, laughing, listening. i remember how mrs tian came to the dance studio to do makeup during unbound. how she exclaimed "im good at eye makeup!" how she told me that i had to call her to do makeup for me during my wedding. how she finished and said tt makeup was just like art and that i looked beautiful. i remember how she never blamed us all the time when we were in the comm, unlike the horse who always blames us despite being a useless bitch herself. i remember all the things ms jeya and mrs tian had done for me, how mrs tian sent me home.
i remember my competitions, performances, experiences, juniors, ex-teachers. i love them soooo much. if there was one thing tt would keep me frm visiting ld, it would be the dread of seeing the horse.i remember how i always got support and strength from my friends and how i loved being a level co. it was the best job ever. i rememeber being so proud of our new comm, just like how i was so proud when i found out abt who became JPs from the blue badge. how i felt they were like my children all grown up. how i screamed and cried for the new comm, how it was the last time we would lead the ld cheer as a comm and how i was no longer the vice president. i treasure my memories and friends sooooo much. more than u'll ever imagine and i noe tt i'll miss them so much. i really wish i had a chance to give everyone a hug and a present, and take more photos.
u wont noe how much time flies until u have to leave.
who ever knew it would be so hard to let go? i dont want to miss anyone, dont want it to end, dont want to cry. im so scared i'll forget my friends, my darling junios who feel like my children, my memories and experiences. i dont want to forget.
i love you so much LD. thank you.
+ [ moo ] r e m e m b e r again + 3:55 PM
